Living With Loss

On August 18, 2006 my life dramatically changed.

I awoke to several messages on my phone.  When I called my answering service I heard my Dad's voice telling me to call.  I immediately hung up from my answering service to call my parents house.  All the while dreading the call thinking my Mom had to be hospitalized again.  As the phone rang my Dad picked up the phone and said are you sitting down?  In my mind I thought since he answered the phone and was at home that something had happened to my Mom and she had died.  That was when a whole different nightmare began.  My Dad told me my sister Sherrie was gone.  My Dad was breaking up as he tried to tell me.  I tried to remain calm while my Dad was talking but all I could do was say ok, just needing to get off the phone because I felt sick and thought I might pass out.  As I walked into my bedroom to tell my husband Ken is when I fell apart.  I felt like someone had stabbed me right in the chest.  I could not stop the tears from coming.

 

Yesterday (the 17th) was the anniversary date of my grandfather's death and the day before Ken's Uncle had just died from cancer.   Now hearing Sherrie had died.   I just couldn't believe it!   This was all a bad dream and I was hoping someone would wake me up.  My sister and I had a very close relationship.  As far back as I can remember she was always a part of my life.  For her to be gone it seemed inconceivable and it shook me to the core. 

 

They say it is normal for someone to get angry and to need to blame someone.  At first I did this. I know there were a lot of things had they been done differently she would still be here.   That is not heresay but factual. But I have to look at it that in this way... it was her time or she would still be here today.  Blaming someone will not bring her back.  I know some people might even try to blame God for allowing this to happen. I know God did not do this.  God does not punish us by taking our loved ones.  Don't be deceived into thinking this way.  We all have an appointed time to die and it was hers.  Some people have the privilege of knowing in advance and they are able to put their house in order.  But most of the time we have no warning like in the case of Sherrie.  So it pays to keep your house in order and not put off making things right. 

 

I know sometimes the reality does not set in at first it may take time for the whole thing to hit you.  I think our mind goes into shock to ease us into it.  Like I read in a book a friend gave to me just a few days ago. (Good Grief: A Constructive Approach to the Problem of Loss )

 

Full reality did not set in till I actually seen her, and it was almost too much to bear.

In preparing for her funeral the pastor encouraged the family to have someone to get up and tell something about Sherrie to lighten the mood for everyone.  I felt like I had to be the one to do it but didn't know if I would be able to.   I knew the only thing that would get me through it was the Lord. And he was the only reason I did get through it.

 

Even now everywhere I look I see her, I hear her laughter. It just feels like the joy in my life is gone.   I know I have my children and my husband and many other reasons to bring joy to my life.  But right now the feeling of happiness evades me. I only feel sadness.   I tend to hold things in and not want to talk.  I know it is not the best way to handle things but it is how I am.   Some days the pain is so unbearable that I do not know if I can take anymore.  When I am troubled I have always searched the bible for answers.    I know all life's answers are in there.  I search frantically for the answer but I know I am trying to find a quick fix to stop the pain I am feeling and that answer is not in my reach.  I know that will only come with time and my faith in God to help me get through it.   Having faith moment by moment, day by day to get through.   So the answer I am searching for is "faith" in Jesus and trusting he will see me through each day as it comes.  I know I can not look at the big picture I  have to take it one step at a time. The pain will never go away but in time it will ease.  It is just waiting and holding on that we have to learn how to do.